If Golfers Ran the World

By Tyler Olson

                Donald Trump is the next President of the United States of America. But a president isn’t a supreme dictator, he has dozens if not hundreds of people around him who help him do his job. The president has a cabinet, the military, his aides, interns, and more all surrounding him helping to keep the United States up and running. Being that President-Elect Trump is a golf enthusiast himself, maybe he’ll pick some of our favorite golfers to hold those positions. Here’s a list of suggestions that would help Trump on his road to making America great again.

Davis Love III- Vice President:

davis-love-ryder-cup-1280x850Yes he’s already picked Mike Pence, but DL3 is a natural leader. He took the 2014 disaster of a Ryder Cup and turned it around for a resounding victory just two years later. Donald is getting up there in age and the presidency is a stressful job. If an unfortunate event takes the life of our sitting president, Americans would feel safe knowing that Davis Love is waiting there in the wings.

Phil Mickelson- Speaker of the House:

A president can’t make any laws that aren’t passed by Congress first. Because of that, the president needs someone who can either woo or strong-arm 435 congressmen and women into voting for pieces of legislation. Phil is a perfect balance of the both. His friendly nature and vibrant smile make him a fan favorite and someone that other golfers like to play with during practice rounds. At the same time, Phil’s unfiltered opinions at the expense of others can also lead to real change. Case in point, his rant after the Ryder Cup at Gleneagles. If the president needs something done, Phil Mickelson will be the man to do it.

Patrick Reed- Secretary of Defense:

patrick-reed-shushP Reed is a stereotypical war hawk. He plays mediocre on tour all season but when he gets the opportunity to vanquish his foreign foes in international competition- whether it be the Olympics, the Presidents’ Cup, or the Ryder Cup- he shines. When all the odds are against him, when European fans are shouting him down, he’ll sink that putt to buoy the USA’s hopes in a match and shush the crowd. If America gets in a real war, there would be no man better to command our military to a resounding victory.

Jordan Spieth- Secretary of State:

In international match play, Spieth is Reed’s unassuming right hand man. He’s humble, quiet, and respectful, but he gets the job done. As Secretary of State Spieth would use friendly yet strong diplomacy to keep America’s alliances strong while still making sure our enemies know who’s boss. His skill could advance America’s interests without there being a need for war.

JB Holmes and Bubba Watson- Generals:

bubba ball flight






These guys can launch missiles on the course, so why not off it. If one of our enemies decides to start a war, nobody will be better to send devastating ICBMs right at their targets. JB Holmes was the 2016 leader in driving distance on the PGA Tour while Bubba Watson was fourth. Why is Bubba better for this job than Dustin Johnson and Tony Finau, who came in second and third? He has just the right amount of crazy in his game to keep America’s enemies on their toes.

Zach Johnson- Chief of Staff:

Zach Johnson isn’t the most powerful driver of the golf ball, but he doesn’t need to be. His iron, wedge, and short games are so precise that he manages to score low anyways. The president’s chief of staff needs that same type of exacting attention to detail. He lays out the minute by minute schedule for the leader of the free world and oversees all the other staffers who do jobs that the White House needs to function properly. Without the chief of staff, everything in the executive branch would fall into chaos. Zach Johnson is the only man who can be trusted with such an important job.

Supreme Court Justice- Dustin Johnson

Donald Trump has a vacancy to fill on the Supreme Court after the death of Antonin Scalia earlier this year, and he may well get to appoint several other justices in his term. To pick a competent person to fill that vacancy, he needs to find someone who can truly understand the complexities of the law. Someone who has experience with its application. Someone like Dustin Johnson. Why? Well, no golfer has had as many dust ups with quirks within the Rules of Golf and the PGA Tour than DJ has in recent years. The 2010 PGA Championship, the 2016 US Open, just a couple holes later at the 2016 US Open, that time he was suspended but not suspended but maybe suspended, and that time he made his brother jump into a lake to save him two strokes all prove that he has the legal experience to apply the American constitution and legal code with a steady and seasoned hand.

Secret Service- Tiger Woods:

cst 118733 Ryder CupThe resemblance here in uncanny. The glasses. The earpiece. The intimidating look on his face. Nobody is messing with the president when Agent Woods is in the room.

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